Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
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if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.