I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
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That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.