It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
You Might Also Like
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”