My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
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My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
the best thing i’ve ever made
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box