When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you鈥檙e a huge fan of his food cake
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She鈥檚 clearly ready for adulthood
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it鈥檚 been growing ever since. I can鈥檛 open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I鈥檓 so sorry Bert
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
February
20掳
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 馃あ
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.