PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
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Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me