Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
You Might Also Like
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.