*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
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“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Yup
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids