My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
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5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar