Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
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I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I love the National Park Service.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions