A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
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If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My typo game is string.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like