me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
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Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Autocarrot sucks!
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo