grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.