ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
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If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.