One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
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You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
this could fix me
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
@ candidates for local office
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Spider-cat: No One Home
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?