Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
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ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home