i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
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It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.