The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
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*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait