Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
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Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Good morning, Twitter x
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.