I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
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amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves