My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
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Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”