My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
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Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Unimpressed
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
me irl
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I was up all night reading about insomnia