[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
You Might Also Like
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Friday night party time 🥳
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I will never stop laughing at this
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..