[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
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asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt