<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
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When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
this is the most humiliating day of my life
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.