I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
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[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
classic mixup
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky