Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
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me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
jesus, what did this guy do
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.