I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
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Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.