Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
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Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.