Me redecorating every room in my mind
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My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there