by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
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– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago