Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
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Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I just ran a .003048K
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I love the honesty
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.