Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
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[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
#milo