Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
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Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
“I’m helping” 😅
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.