*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
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ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon