*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
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rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play