This 4th of July, please remember…
You Might Also Like
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.