“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
You Might Also Like
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My favorite farside!!
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog