Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
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Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Jesus steals the winter solstice
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump