I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
You Might Also Like
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
What is going on? 😅
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.