roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
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What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Oh thanks BBC.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)