Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
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Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
🤣🤣
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…