My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
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13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.