Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
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TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
But is it really??
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?