Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
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2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.