It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
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Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Is this a threat?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I am crying
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”