The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
You Might Also Like
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
cyclists
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.