Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
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When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done