They did not think through this water fountain
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To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.