The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.